Having a coach these days is almost a given, an essential part of any senior executive’s career portfolio. But while some leaders swear by their coaches, others just can’t seem to find the “right one.” What causes these wildly different experiences?

While there are multiple approaches and practices, coaching is primarily about emotional and intellectual support. It’s about providing a space for the coachee to develop and expand their mental model of understanding the world. Coaches communicate that support through their questions, inviting the coachees to pay attention to themselves and contexts they might otherwise miss. Coaches provide space and fill it with their intention and attention.

One common misconception is that the coach will “lead” the conversation or provide some magic solution to the coachee’s challenges. In reality, both parties must invest in the relationship for the experience to be truly effective.

A coachee’s role is to be clear with themselves about their expectations. They need to assess whether they have the incentives, resources, and support to enable the change they desire. Change can be challenging, even with resources and support, if they don’t have a genuine willingness to shift their behavior—or are just there because their manager sent them.

Redefining success

Many high-potential and highly successful individuals’ sense of self and ambition could actually impede their capacity to reflect, process, and change. Take the MBA students we work with on the INSEAD Personal Leadership Development Programme (PLDP). They’re constantly told they’re special for getting into INSEAD. But they might not feel it, leading to a misalignment between who they are and who they’re told they are–this promotes impostor syndrome. 

It’s important to offer them a space to revisit these assumptions and sentiments. To do this, we break down leadership development into three key dimensions: (1) understanding themselves, (2) their relationship with others, and (3) how those elements influence and are influenced by the culture of the group.

Success means being aware of these dynamics and integrating them into your decision-making processes as a leader. Effective leadership depends on accurately diagnosing the relationship between self, others, and context. This can’t be calculated via an Excel spreadsheet or presented in bullet points. It only comes with experience, reflection, and a willingness to learn and explore. If the coachees aren’t willing, then coaching sessions will be, at best, very boring. At worst, they’ll be irritating, tedious, and a waste of time for all parties, and money for the coachee. 

Sometimes this results in a coach being unfairly blamed for being ineffective, and the exercise is branded pointless. But if individuals have a genuine motivation to change and develop, then coaches can be highly influential in helping them expand the ways they understand the world, and hence lead. 

Attunement is vital

As with most relationships, communication is key to shared understanding. Effective communication occurs when each party is attuned to the other: the vocal, emotional, or social message given is the one received. Attunement is the adjustment necessary within the context of the coaching relationship. It’s about how the coach and coachee discuss how they’re working together, share their expectations and concerns, and get to a point where expectations on both sides are at least understood and hopefully met. 

This allows for learning and support to take place with less resistance. An effective coaching relationship requires constant attention to whether it’s working. And if it’s not working, what needs to shift? Attunement between the coach and coachee attends to the why, the what, and, importantly, the how of the coaching relationship.

For coachees, attunement means, “How do I evaluate whether this is an effective developmental relationship for me?” They need to be clear on the development they’re working toward and their evaluation criteria, and then share these with their coach. If the relationship isn’t going how they envisioned, they need to bring this up. They must communicate their preferences for the relationship, whether that means being more action planning-driven or reflection-focused. They could set realistic markers for themselves and revisit them with their coaches if expectations are unmet.

The coach’s obligation

For the coach, attunement means, “How do I seek to understand my client’s relational preferences and adapt accordingly?” They need to explicitly invite the coachee to express their concerns, however minor, about how the coaching is going. They shouldn’t ask leading questions such as, “Is this helpful?” but instead look for more constructive feedback. “What am I doing or not doing that’s less effective for you in this coaching space?” This is not a conversation to simply gratify the coach’s internal sense of worth or to reaffirm that they’ve been useful. The purpose is to find the most attuned way to adhere to the coachee’s developmental aims and agenda.

There are cases where the coachees don’t get to choose their coach, such as during leadership development programs or when a firm offers a coach to its executives. In these cases, this attunement conversation is all the more important to reduce doubt in the relationship. We recommend coaches invite this conversation explicitly and review it often. 

Setting expectations and being willing to change is only the foundation. Attunement is key to maximizing coaching support.

Selecting a coach

Because of this, finding the right coach is an important first step. We recommend meeting at least three different coaches, understanding their approaches, and discussing their work with coachees. Find the one that can hold you responsible for your developmental agenda, not just make you feel good or “perform well.” This is why your boss’ coach, who was sure to have been amazing for them, isn’t necessarily the best fit for you. 

Learning, development, and change take time; no coach can wave a magic wand. To get the most out of a coaching relationship, you must bring your curiosity and questions, have the courage to take a risk and ask those questions, and be honest about exploring these curiosities with your coach while continuously attuning the coaching relationship. 

As a leader who wants to develop and change and be a better leader for their teams, working with a coach can be a valuable tool. But for it to be an effective experience, individuals must be honest with themselves. Without the inner motivation and incentive for starting the relationship, and the resources and support to do so, even the best coach in the world can’t deliver the change you desire. 

Published Jan. 7, 2025, by INSEAD.