A statistician is an accountant without the charisma.

A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.

Theory and practice are the same in theory. In practice they are different.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink whatever you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Algebraic notation is what you write when you don't know what you're talking about.
(annonymous student)

Without geometry, life is pointless.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

Every day, innumeracy affects 8 out of 5 people.

There are liars, outliers, and out-and-out liars.

A mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a statistician all apply for the same job. At the interview, they are asked the question, what is 1+1.
The mathematician replies, "I can prove that it exists but not that it is unique."
The applied mathematician, after some thought, replies, "The answer is approximately 1.99, with an error in the region of 0.01."
The statistician steps outside the room, mulls it over for several minutes, and eventually returns in desparation and inquires, "So what do you want it to be?"

A hungry man went into a restaurant and noticed that the daily special was rabbit burgers (a real delicacy) for only .49 cents a burger. He asked the waiter about it and was told that, to keep prices down, they did add some filler, namely horse meat.
Customer: How much of each kind of meat is in a burger?
Waiter: An equal amount of each: one horse and one rabbit.

Did you hear about the statistician who put her head in the oven and her feet in the refrigerator ?
She said, "On average, I feel just fine."

Statistics means never having to say you're certain.

Two statisticians were flying from L.A. to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "Unfortunately, we have lost an engine, but don't worry: There are three engines left. However, instead of five hours, it will take seven hours to get to New York."
A little later, he told the passengers that a second engine had failed. "But we still have two engines left. We're still fine, except now it will take ten hours to get to New York."
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. "But never fear, because this plane can fly on a single engine. Of course, it will now take 18 hours to get to New York."
At this point, one statistician turned to another and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

If you want three opinions, just ask two statisticians.

Did you know that the great majority of people have more than the average number of legs?
It's obvious, really: Among the 57 million people in Britain, there are probably 5,000 people who have only one leg. Therefore, the average number of legs is

And since most people have two legs....

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One—plus or minus three.

A stats major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a true/false test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing an answer...flipping the coin...writing an answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left except for that one student. The professor walked up to his desk and interrupted the student.
"Listen, I see you didn't study for this test; you didn't even open the exam. If you're just flipping a coin for answers, what's taking you so long?
The student (still flipping the coin) said, "Shhh! I'm checking my answers!"

Did you hear about the politician who promised that if he were elected he'd make certain that everybody would get an above-average income? (And nobody laughed....)

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of two bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So now I bring my own bomb along!"

In God we trust. All others must bring data.
Robert Hayden, Plymouth State College

You can find other jokes at Gary C. Ramseyer's First Internet Gallery of Statistics Jokes and from Joachim Verhagen.